Cold hands, warm shart.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
