I faked an abortion last night.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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