thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
