I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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