im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
