you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
