I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
