I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
