she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
