I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
