A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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