3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
