Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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