Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
