After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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