I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
