I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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