My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
