god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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