It's like God shit irony all over that family
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
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