It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
