I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
