life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
