i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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