It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
