you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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