Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
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