3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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