I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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