Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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