at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
