I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
