Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
My liver just had a heart attack.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
