I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
