cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
