I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
handjob tips. give me some.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Randomize
