You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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