i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Randomize
