Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
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I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
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Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
you made out with another girl for some wings
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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