were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize