Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
