The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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