my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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