My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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