I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.