You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
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oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
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What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood