Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.