I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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