When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
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