She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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