I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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