My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
