I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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