I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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