it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
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We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
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We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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