yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
