Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
