Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?