he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
19 Totally Clueless People That’ll Make You Say ‘Bless Your Heart’
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
30 Times Ryan Reynolds’ Replies Were The Funniest Thing On Twitter
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...