i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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