How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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