I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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